Earlier today I was stretching after my walk.  Stretching has become an essential and frequent activity now, at multiple times during the day. Including, but not limited to, before even getting out of bed. I’ve found it necessary to “cat/cow” myself awake every morning.

Why do I feel so stiff after sleeping on a memory foam mattress?

I’m in a figure-four stretch and I notice a bump on my knee. I press on it, and it hurts a little. So I press on it again, like I didn’t believe it the first time. I wonder, “What did I walk into?”

Or… did I even walk into something?

I’m just as perplexed at the appearance of the bruise as I am by the sheer fact that I cannot remember how it happened.

Is spontaneous bruising something that happens during perimenopause? Or is it more likely the forgetting of how it got there is a side effect of perimenopause?

I have a bruise on my forehead too. But I remember smacking my head on the corner of the wall as I was getting in the shower. I was knocked off balance by my falling towel. Because it doesn’t take much to knock me off balance lately.

Is that me being clumsy? Or is it perimenopause?

Is constantly gaslighting yourself a symptom or side effect of perimenopause?

Asking for a friend.

I remember smacking my forehead because I was embarrassed and because it hurt- a lot- and I started crying when I stepped into the water. It was the sort of smarting pain that brings tears to your eyes like a reflex- you can’t stop it or prevent it. It just happens. Then it was like a dam breaking open. I was crying not only because it hurt but also because the shower is a safe place to cry, as any mom intuitively knows.  Suddenly I was crying for a million different reasons.

I was crying because the world is going to shit because we have a president who thinks the Constitution is an optional set of guidelines.

I’m crying because I miss my girls who live in faraway cities.

I’m crying because Youngest Son will be a senior next year and we will have The Last Year of Lasts and then all my ducklings WILL BE GONE.

I’m crying because after two months with no period, I’ve now been bleeding for over ten days.

I did that silent Mom-sobbing, mouth open in a silent scream, tears free-flowing, where you need to just let it out, but you know you can’t make too much noise because either your family will come running or think there’s something really wrong.

Isn’t there, though?

Isn’t there something really wrong?

Is it wrong to feel like there’s something really wrong? 

I’ve been actively and continually “Momming” for a really long time. Dealing with, processing, and/or acknowledging my feelings outside the scope of “Momming” is not always a priority.  I think we Moms stuff our feelings so far down that we forget we can be just as bruised on the inside as we can be on the outside.

We cry in the shower because we feel like we can’t cry anywhere else, least of all in front of people. Not for the reasons I just listed anyway.

If we’re going to cry, it damn well better be something worth crying about. And not just a bruise.

At least that’s the lesson I learned as a kid.

So. If those reasons aren’t worth crying over, what is?

Asking, again, for a friend.